I feel so lost

this damn medicine that the pimple face doctor has me on is not working and i will tell him thathe can put it where the sun doesn't shine! I am so dang tired of being lost.......I went through this with my mom, but back then I had my 2 boys to help me! Now, I talk to 3 dogs and they don't answer me.......thank goodness I would be nuts! LOL

with all of the abuse that dad did to me and he said that he was sorry....I thought that his passing would be easier on me....but I was just starting to get to know and enjoy him for the first time in my life!

I have the 2 days that I spent with him in May and 6 days in July to remember him by!

I know that he is up in heaven getting a ear full from grandma, grandpa, mom, and his ex-wives! LOL no peace for him! LOL But he is up there not in any pain and with Jeremy! an up there with our Boe Boe! and I am so sorry dad that I could not keep my promise of taking dorthia his cat! But I think that we all found a good and loving home for her! sorry dad!

Upset & DEPRESSED!

on the 16th I lost my father....we were never really close until these last few years! He abused me and he said that he was sorry to me in front of Tim. my youngest son! so, I forgave him....but I could not forget!

I talked to him on tuesday night making plans on seeing and spending some time together! well, the next day he was gone! I cry every night that is how much that I miss him!

Last summer we took a trip (dad, Miriam, and I) to Kentucky, Georgia, and North Carolina.....it was suppose to be a trip to yellowstone......which he told me that we could not make....so I told him anywhere would be find as long as I got to spend time with him! We went to Mammoth Cave National Park....Our tour was suppose to be 2 hours long but it was 4 1/2 hours....dad fell not once but 2 times down there on his reconstructed knee! Me no cigs, afraid of closed in spaces....here we are down 200+ feet below the ground....it was cool down there 58! Dad would pull over on the interstate so I could have a cig....this was NOT the DAD that I grew up with!  He showed me how to pan for gold in Ga......and we ate at 2 family style rest.....then in NC Dad got to hold his Great Grandson....he never held my 2 boys! so, this trip means a lot to me and always will! I have never laughed so much as I did that week!!!!

Well, we buried dad beside his mom, dad, and his 3rd wife on monday! I stood up with Bonnie and said a few words about my dad.....then Tim spoke...I was never so proud of him then I was that day! This day was Mine and Bob's 29th wedding anns! I did not mind it being forgotten on that day, but no one has said anything to me or Bob! If I forget a birthday or an anns. I am in for it!

this september I was planning on having a wedding to renew our vows which we have never done....I wanted my father to walk me down the aisle well, that will not be happening!

It is just me and my sister Bonnie now.....she lives in Florida and I live in West Va!Both places has a special meaning to our mom! We have our children but no one left to guide us anymore...........with this I will say......

I LOVE AND MISS
GRANDMA
GRANDPA
MOM
DAD

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART!

Sunday was ok until.......

Tim came up with the bright idea to eat at Gatti's.....I wish that he would have just kept that to himself!

All I ate was a salad and dessert.....everyone else a soup-which Andrea liked it, Tim ate a couple of bites out of a piece of pizza and he left to play games, Bob ate a few pieces and we were ready to leave!

This place is worse than ChiChi's Pizza at least you had more selection! IWILL NOT BE BACK TO THAT TERRIBLE PLACE AGAIN!

Bob and I stopped at hardees to get something better to eat!

Stress

This problem has done a lot of damage to me...mentally and physically over the years! I try to be here for everyone in their time of need, but sometimes it just gets to be too much for to handle and that's when I shut myself off to everyone! But here lately I cannot do that because my sister needs me with what my neice is going through...the doctor's think that it could be a tumor cancer or what we will not find out until after Monday. Jerica has to have more tests on Monday! I don't know how much my sister can handle right now! or me for that fact!

I try to be kind to everyone but sometimes I feel like I could just stand up and tell everyone to go to HELL! but then I think where would that get me? That is where my problems stem from cause I do not say anything and if I do I am being a bitch...excuse my langauge but I have had enough!!!!

My ex-brother-in-law calls my sister and cusses her out because he thinks that she posted something about Jerica! well, it was Jerica that posted it to facebook NOT Bonnie!

I just want to put the world on mute for a day and let me heal my mind and body! But that cannot happen because I have a family, a husband, and friends! I just wish that I had someone to talk to!!!! But I am the listener!!!

My Day/Week

It has not been a good day all the way around! I am worried about my niece...she broke her leg a few weeks ago. They did a new x-ray and there is a dark spot in her bone. The dr's think that it is what caused her leg to break! Is it cancer? or what? She is only 18 years old...just starting her life...she finishes high school this year! She is a cheerleader, captain of the volley ball, weight lifting, and softball team!!!

Besides that I am depressed....for what or why? I don't have a idea! I am just so restless and I have been for the last few days! My mind will not stay on 1 thing too damn long! I'm not sleeping soundly and when I do sleep it is a light restless sleep!

Next Wednesday...Bob & I will be driving to Florida to go to the daytona 500 and to see my family! My father is having 2 surgeries...1 on the 17th and the other one n the 18th! My grand father died on the 18th.... 20 years ago!

Family?

why does some people have to hurt someone that was only trying to help and love a child.....Tim & Andrea would make GREAT parents and someday they will! But for now so,e people just need to think before they post something on facebook! Key word THINK!


I have kept my nose out of it and my mouth shut because that's what I thought that I should do....but when "NEW" God parents was posted I said that's it...I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!

I love my kids all of them not just my sons but their wives too! I am so damn tored of them getting hurt by someone being stupid and NOT knowing the true meaning!!!!

well, I was having a GREAT weekend! LOL

My WEEK

Monday....my doctor put be on klonapin- nerves, lexapro-depression, narco-pain, and flexaril-muscle relaxant! I have to go back in a month to see if the new meds are working!
Tuesday- I work on 2 more pages of Michael's scrap book...still a LONG way to go!
Thursday- I cleaned the whole house....mopped, vacuumed, did the windows, watered all of my plants, laundry, and  a lot more! But today you can not even see that I did anything!
Today- I organized last year's trips into stacks so I can start working on last years scrapbook!
Saturday-Bob has to work, but no one else does....so I know that our room mate Weasel will start drinking as soon as he gets up! So, I will spend most of my time in my bedroom watching tv and scrapbooking!
I am hoping and praying that Weasel will move out! I cannot take all of his drinking and me being here by myself sucks! CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!

just 2 more weeks to go until I can get away from here